Thursday, 1 August 2013

Long Live the Almighty E

The lead singer, and character extraordinaire of the band EELS... appropriately named E... asked me to look after his house while he was out of town. Of course, this was no problem. I planned to drop in and water the plants, feed the fish, etc. My first visit to the house revealed that E lives in a big wooden house at the bottom of a long sloping drive. The grounds were very shaded and there was a lot of plant life sprawling around and towering over the house. It must have been night-time because everything was dimly lit. I entered the house... how I don't know.  The house is quiet... everything is still. Standing just inside the entrance of the house, there is a tangible sense of sorrow in the air… like I am standing in the heart of a home that is weeping... the air is heavy with the vapour of its tears. I don't know what or why, but I know something serious is transpiring here. I make my way around the house quietly. There is a glow like candles are burning. I do not turn on the lights. I don't remember much about the house… but I do recall going into a screen porch area. To my surprise I found E lying there on a bench. He looked as though he was sleeping. This worried me. He was meant to be out of town. I approached him slowly and quietly, so as to not shock him. As I came nearer to him, I could feel a sense of draining... like the Earth’s battery was running on empty...a feeble hum.... a light bulb nearly burnt out. I knelt down beside him and examined him with my eyes first. He just looked asleep. In a low soft voice I said his name "E". I placed my hand on his arm. His skin was cool. I said again "E". Something was wrong. I placed my fingers on his neck to check his pulse, and just like the light bulb... it was faint. Something was seriously wrong with him. I didn't know what or how long he had been there for, but I knew he was suffering. He was unconscious and as far as I could tell, he was on death's door.  I didn't think. I filled a spoon with a syrupy concoction that I knew would end his discomfort and bring him peace. I spoon fed him the poison and left him there to die.

 A day went by. Two days went by. I knew E was back at his house lifeless with no one to care for him. I wasn't sure what I had done but I knew I had to Remove The Body. What?! How did I get into this position? Every waking moment became heavy with the thought of E lying there dead in his house.... decomposing. Holy Fuck!!!  I was avoiding the situation. I was nervous. I couldn't face it but I knew I had to. Day three passes. Day four. Where do I take him?  How do I explain this? Did I do something wrong? Why didn't I call a doctor? Did I kill E? They are going to do a biopsy on him and find the poison and put me in jail!! Holy Fuck!

 On the fifth day since E's death, I found myself in the presence of two of my brothers. I was still nervously avoiding the reality that lay waiting for me in the big wooden house. I couldn’t help myself. I had to tell my brother. I asked him what I should do. My brother said that I have to take him to the funeral home and pay for a casket and that it would cost me $500. $500?!?!!! Why do I have to pay $500? I was really upset about that. I decided to bite the bullet and take care of this matter once and for all.

 I went back to the big house. I was so scared that he was going to be putrid. Lord knows what I would find.  The house was still dimly lit like it was when I found E five days ago. I went to the covered porch. There was a plywood casket there now where I had left him. He was inside the casket. I could not smell anything unsavoury. For that, I was relieved. I approached the plywood box. Slowly, I lifted the lid. There he was. Still and cold and blue. He was beautiful. So beautiful. My heart sank. Why didn't I call a doctor? Why did I poison him? You are going to jail… they are going to find the poison... you are going to jail for murder... my heart started pounding in my chest!! Oh God NO! I was in a real panic.

  The gentle hand of my mind stroked me softly awake, saying shhhhhh.. it’s just a dream...just a dream... just a dream..."Oh God, thank God, thank God". It was just a dream. That was a close one!! Lord knows, I don't need to be the girl who poisons the elder statesman of indie rock. Long Live The Almighty E.

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